I wish I knew to make a meaningful contribution as a blogger. The truth is, I don't have it in me to build a mission, a purpose, an execution, a meaningful content, or a following all on my own.
I don't know if that means if I'm not supposed to or if I really am supposed to and all the suffering I must overcome will be that much sweeter. If I did commit to blogging, I'm going to have to change my attitude about it to being more of a second job than a therapy. *sigh* I'm just really lost right now.
St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, pray for me.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Oct 5, 2011 5:18:05 PM
Moderate difficulty waking up today. Physically awake, but mentally wasn't the least bit alert. 5 minutes late to work.
Mild pain in shoulders and hips, but odd traveling/stabbing pain in right knee, left elbow.
New chair makes my desk uncomfortable. Sitting higher to make the correct 90 degree angle w/ ankles, hips, knees makes the desk feel too low. Makes me slouch forward, aggravating neck pain. I also feel like I'm sliding out the front of my chair. Wish it was adjustable to tilt my hips up.
Up and functioning but not the least bit motivated. This is the worst kind of fatigue. I want a nap.
Finally feel kind of recovered from the weekend. I pushed myself way to hard last month and crashed on Monday. Had to call in to work. Slept in and watched movies all day. Finally felt rested that evening. Considering how hard I pushed myself Friday-Sunday, I'm surprised it didn't take longer. Half-day at work on Friday, dentist appt, and errands for shopping for youth group project. Drove to Corpus Friday night, woke up early Saturday for more errands & confession. (On the run for 6+ hrs!) Drove back Sunday 6 am to make in time for church at 10:30. Crashed for a nap but had to get back up to go back to church. Didn't get home till 10:30ish after youth group. I didn't realize until 8am Monday morning that I had (for all intents and purposes) completely immobilized myself.
Forgot meds at home also. Went all day Mon w/o Rx and felt the effects Tuesday AM. Pushed through it, had to go to work. I looked horrible. Folks mailed the meds and I got them that evening. I was fatigued but found the motivation to do a load of laundry from start to finish once they kicked in.
Another long weekend this weekend and I'm already feeling drained. Event tonight, Friday, all day Saturday, and YG on Sunday. I'd better take it easy tomorrow if I want to survive it.
I should look into getting FMLA once my one year anniversary kicks in. Maybe then I won't have to worry about taking a day off to recuperate…
Btw, traveling/stabbing pain moved out of elbow and back to right knee.
Friday, September 30, 2011
9/30/11 11:47:54 AM
Unimaginable pain.
> Work up late, but pleasant. Matt Maher on iPhone. Rushed to work. 6
> min. Late. Felt fine.
> 10 pm, agony. Hurt from finger tips to toes. Forgot to take meds. Took
> Tramadol and Nuvigil. 11 am, still bad pain. Took Aleve.
> Forgot to put chair high till now. Can't get up, can't sit down w/o
> difficulty. Pain sharp in lumbar. Ache in hands, acute in knees
> (constant, even when not in motion), crazy pain in thighs from hips to
> knees. Can't walk. Stride is short, hobbled. Funny looks in hallway.
> Slouching in chair; too much pain to sit straight. Everyone must think
> I'm lazy and or sleeping.
> I look a mess. Tee and Jeans. Didn't wash my hair. Forgot bobby pins.
> Bad hair day.
> Pain everywhere even now. Taking another Tramadol at 12. Leave work at
> 12:30. Dentist appt at 1. Looking forward to being able to lie down,
> even if it's a dental exam chair.
> Wisdom teeth hurt too. (Unrelated to other pain.) Hurts to talk, suck on straws.
> Pain is everywhere. I can't even just list fingers, wrists, elbows,
> shoulders, because everything in between hurts too. It's like
> connect-the-dots but torture.
> Work up late, but pleasant. Matt Maher on iPhone. Rushed to work. 6
> min. Late. Felt fine.
> 10 pm, agony. Hurt from finger tips to toes. Forgot to take meds. Took
> Tramadol and Nuvigil. 11 am, still bad pain. Took Aleve.
> Forgot to put chair high till now. Can't get up, can't sit down w/o
> difficulty. Pain sharp in lumbar. Ache in hands, acute in knees
> (constant, even when not in motion), crazy pain in thighs from hips to
> knees. Can't walk. Stride is short, hobbled. Funny looks in hallway.
> Slouching in chair; too much pain to sit straight. Everyone must think
> I'm lazy and or sleeping.
> I look a mess. Tee and Jeans. Didn't wash my hair. Forgot bobby pins.
> Bad hair day.
> Pain everywhere even now. Taking another Tramadol at 12. Leave work at
> 12:30. Dentist appt at 1. Looking forward to being able to lie down,
> even if it's a dental exam chair.
> Wisdom teeth hurt too. (Unrelated to other pain.) Hurts to talk, suck on straws.
> Pain is everywhere. I can't even just list fingers, wrists, elbows,
> shoulders, because everything in between hurts too. It's like
> connect-the-dots but torture.
9/30/11 12:09:16 AM
Good mental clarity today. Early meds, had shower. Very little
> afternoon fatigue. Had energy to do some shopping and even cook
> dinner. (but it was very late and I was very hungry and over ate.)
> afternoon fatigue. Had energy to do some shopping and even cook
> dinner. (but it was very late and I was very hungry and over ate.)
9/30/11 12:05:30 AM
No pain meds since afternoon. Although I noticed I had a really hard
> time getting from the couch at 10 after cooking dinner and watching an
> hour of tv, but no pain getting up from computer chair after 90
> minutes of WHO. maybe because it's lower? I've always had trouble with
> my cars. First the Civic now the 'yota. But not with Penelope (the
> black 'yota). Hmm. I think I'm on to something. I'll have to try to
> keep my desk chair at work high and see if I notice pain that way. I
> do notice the more time I spend in my feet, the greater severity of
> pain/stiffness/locking up.
>
> Also, wore flats past two days. No knee pain. I'll wear chanclas
> tomorrow and see if the pain returns. If so, I'll get rid of them all.
>
> Need podi appt about bunions. To shy. Know my arch/ankle aesthetic is
> from being obese. It ain't pretty.
>
> Also, I'm wide awake. Shouldn't have doubled on WHO.
> time getting from the couch at 10 after cooking dinner and watching an
> hour of tv, but no pain getting up from computer chair after 90
> minutes of WHO. maybe because it's lower? I've always had trouble with
> my cars. First the Civic now the 'yota. But not with Penelope (the
> black 'yota). Hmm. I think I'm on to something. I'll have to try to
> keep my desk chair at work high and see if I notice pain that way. I
> do notice the more time I spend in my feet, the greater severity of
> pain/stiffness/locking up.
>
> Also, wore flats past two days. No knee pain. I'll wear chanclas
> tomorrow and see if the pain returns. If so, I'll get rid of them all.
>
> Need podi appt about bunions. To shy. Know my arch/ankle aesthetic is
> from being obese. It ain't pretty.
>
> Also, I'm wide awake. Shouldn't have doubled on WHO.
9/29/11 11:45:34 AM
Oh em gee am I in pain. Cramps this morning. Widespread pain in right
> hand. Acute, sharp in right knee and lumbar. Just overall shitty and
> hard to do work. Took nivigil and Tramadol first thing at wake up but
> pain grew to unbearable by 10. Took aleve at 9. Another Tramadol at
> 10. Pain mild now. Skin sensitivity (long sleeves, tags). Shoulder
> pain. Good hair day, shaved legs, wore skirt and leggings and hot pink
> top.
> hand. Acute, sharp in right knee and lumbar. Just overall shitty and
> hard to do work. Took nivigil and Tramadol first thing at wake up but
> pain grew to unbearable by 10. Took aleve at 9. Another Tramadol at
> 10. Pain mild now. Skin sensitivity (long sleeves, tags). Shoulder
> pain. Good hair day, shaved legs, wore skirt and leggings and hot pink
> top.
9/28/11 9:02:14 PM
> Yesterday: Had pizza for dinner at ACNM Meetup. Super bad heartburn at
> bedtime. 3 tums. Stayed up a while. No CPAP.
> Today: Overslept. Put Nuvigil in pocket and forgot to take it til
> 11:45. Sleepy from wake up til 4pm. Minor fog. Pretty bad mental
> fatigue/laziness. No motivation. Surprising amount of afternoon
> pain/stiffness getting up for afternoon potty break. 1 Tramadol. Good
> all pm.
> Evening: WCYA coordinator meeting @ Schlotzsky's. Pizza. No heartburn.
> Minimal pain. No fog. Still not a lot of motivation. Really cranky esp
> at irritants. Too tired to type minutes when got home 2.5 hrs later.
> Straight to bed. No CPAP.
> bedtime. 3 tums. Stayed up a while. No CPAP.
> Today: Overslept. Put Nuvigil in pocket and forgot to take it til
> 11:45. Sleepy from wake up til 4pm. Minor fog. Pretty bad mental
> fatigue/laziness. No motivation. Surprising amount of afternoon
> pain/stiffness getting up for afternoon potty break. 1 Tramadol. Good
> all pm.
> Evening: WCYA coordinator meeting @ Schlotzsky's. Pizza. No heartburn.
> Minimal pain. No fog. Still not a lot of motivation. Really cranky esp
> at irritants. Too tired to type minutes when got home 2.5 hrs later.
> Straight to bed. No CPAP.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Lost in the Fog
I have this vague fear that I'm forgetting more and more everyday. That some day I'm going to be all dried up.
Now, I know that it's just the cognitive dysfunction (aka Fibro Fog) that Fibromyalgia brings, but it takes work to be sure and write down or take snapshots of all the things I don't want to run through my fingers. The bigger task of blogging my musings goes neglected because of how time-consuming it can be. But, I fear that if I were to leave the world unexpectedly, I have nothing tangible to leave behind that express who I am, what I did, and why I was important.
I have the fear that most have, and that's being forgotten. Which is ironic, because I'm the one doing all the forgetting.
It's little things that I can't remember that drive me nuts: How old is my parakeet? When did I meet so-and-so? What did I do for New Year's Eve two years ago? Three? What's the craziest thing I've ever done?
The harder it gets to remember the easy things, the more it motivates me to document as much as I can.
Now, I know that it's just the cognitive dysfunction (aka Fibro Fog) that Fibromyalgia brings, but it takes work to be sure and write down or take snapshots of all the things I don't want to run through my fingers. The bigger task of blogging my musings goes neglected because of how time-consuming it can be. But, I fear that if I were to leave the world unexpectedly, I have nothing tangible to leave behind that express who I am, what I did, and why I was important.
I have the fear that most have, and that's being forgotten. Which is ironic, because I'm the one doing all the forgetting.
It's little things that I can't remember that drive me nuts: How old is my parakeet? When did I meet so-and-so? What did I do for New Year's Eve two years ago? Three? What's the craziest thing I've ever done?
The harder it gets to remember the easy things, the more it motivates me to document as much as I can.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Fibromyalgia Journal - Beta
I've been reading Deborah Mitchell's The Complete Guide to Healing Fibromyalgia that came out earlier this year. So far I've found it an informative read. I was on Chapter Four: Getting a Diagnosis when I was struck by a sudden sense of familiarity. Yes! I have this! And this, and this and this! Which was followed by a sudden burst of creativity.
I've never journaled my symptoms in a concise manner. But, I know I'll never fill out the pages of a blank journal so I set to work creating a template. An hour or two later I had finished my first draft of a fibromyalgia journal. I haven't decided what final format I want to print this, so I just hole punched a couple copies to work on and tweak for a week or two.
In the meantime, I'm really excited to share what I've come up with. Please feel free to download and tweak as needed. (For example, I use a CPAP machine for my sleep apnea, so that line item might not apply to you.) I'm open to suggestions and look forward to hearing what you think!
Free Fibromyalgia Journal Download:
Template: http://www.scribd.com/full/51518635?access_key=key-19g0z1wcu8oyr5vtyumm
Appendix: http://www.scribd.com/full/51518631?access_key=key-xdxury4t9cqfvogincp
And because I like basic info on the first page of my journals:
A simple info sheet: http://www.scribd.com/full/51518631?access_key=key-xdxury4t9cqfvogincp
Fibromyalgia Journal and Appendix by Laura Gonzalez is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
I've never journaled my symptoms in a concise manner. But, I know I'll never fill out the pages of a blank journal so I set to work creating a template. An hour or two later I had finished my first draft of a fibromyalgia journal. I haven't decided what final format I want to print this, so I just hole punched a couple copies to work on and tweak for a week or two.
In the meantime, I'm really excited to share what I've come up with. Please feel free to download and tweak as needed. (For example, I use a CPAP machine for my sleep apnea, so that line item might not apply to you.) I'm open to suggestions and look forward to hearing what you think!
Free Fibromyalgia Journal Download:
Template: http://www.scribd.com/full/51518635?access_key=key-19g0z1wcu8oyr5vtyumm
Appendix: http://www.scribd.com/full/51518631?access_key=key-xdxury4t9cqfvogincp
And because I like basic info on the first page of my journals:
A simple info sheet: http://www.scribd.com/full/51518631?access_key=key-xdxury4t9cqfvogincp
Fibromyalgia Journal and Appendix by Laura Gonzalez is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Direkshun: I haz it
Being sick sucks. Like, really sucks. But, I’m not going to get all “Woe is me” about it (today at least).
Before, I didn’t know what to do about the sucky-ness. I kind of just moped around, waiting, praying, for a solution. But this month, I’ve been on an egg hunt, hopping around trying to find the golden egg. It was while on this hunt that I realized I was going in a direction towards something, a goal that until this moment had been too obscure to identify. I want to be better. Definition? Healthy. Pain free. Energized. Well-rested. Organized. Productive.
But, unfortunately, that’s not something that’s going to happen overnight. I have a lot to do.
Ultimate To-Do List:
- · Sleep study. So, I’ve gained 30 pounds in 6 months. It’s hard for me to admit, but it’s something I have to come to terms with. Went to the PCP this week and she’s concerned that my weight gain combined with difficulty getting restorative sleep may be a sign of an underlying sleep problem. (8 hrs isn’t sufficient for me. It takes me 12 hours to feel rested and alert. NOT normal.) Both of my parents have sleep apnea, so it’s not a suggestion that I’m going to throw out the window. Yet.
My theory? Well, I’m in chronic pain and I’m constantly waking up (if you can call it that) to roll over or find a comfortable position. Being in pain all night is obviously going to keep me from getting the REM sleep I need to feel rested. I’ll go through with the sleep study for now, but next time I will voice my opinion to my doctor.
- · Podiatrist. Most of the following is going to be difficult to manage if I can’t get this nagging foot pain to go away. I have a referral; I just need to make the effort to go. The foot pain is what started this snowballing thing I’m on now. That’s why I went to my PCP and inevitably, all the Fibro stuff came up too.
- · Exercise. I haven’t decided exactly how I’m going to go about this. This topic alone is the only reason I miss UNT: epic rec center. ACC has one nearby but I’ve never been. Something more corporate like Gold’s Gym seems alluring but I think it might just be the marketing. The financial cost of a true personal training experience is not something I think I can manage. Mom’s pushing Weight Watchers and the marketing of that is appealing, too. I don’t know what my first step on this item is going to be, but past experience tells me that if I don’t make a decision soon, I’m going to lose motivation and then nothing will get done.
I’m praying to the Holy Spirit on this one.
- · Diet. This one I’ve at least made some headway on. I went to Whole Foods and planned out my meals for a week. The only thing is I suck at veggies, so with my luck everything will be spoiled by Wednesday. Note to self: stick to HEB for regular staple items ($2.50 for a dozen eggs? Yikes!) and Whole Foods for specific healthy stuff (like yogurt that doesn’t have sugar as a main ingredient).
- · Chiropractor. This is another item I’ve started, but am far from completing. First consult was good, if not a little disconcerting. It bothers me when medical professionals try to tell me that I don’t have a “disease” per se, Fibromyalgia is “just what doctors call it when they can’t figure out what’s wrong with you”. Well 1: that’s a load of B.S. The American College of Rheumatology defined digonositic criteria in 1990. A fibromyalgia diagnosis is not something doctor’s can pass out like candy. And 2: You lost all credibility when you tried to say the same thing about Lupus. Lupus is a systemic autoimmune disease in which your immune system attacks your own organs (inflammation). There’s nothing conspiracy-theory about it. Oh and 3: There’s no credible evidence about a flu-shot as the causation for fibromyalgia. It’s an inductive fallacy.
And yet despite our difference in opinions, I will continue to go. The massage therapy was great.
- · Spiritual. If I’m going to have discipline in my life, it’s going to have to be with everything. I’ve gone lax in my daily prayers. I should be going to daily mass, too. I, of all people*, should know the significance of it. Yet, it’s hard to find the motivation when I barely have enough to get out of bed. It’s only by God’s grace that this time around depression isn’t a concern. My moods have never been better.
I know this looks all thought out and inspired, but in reality I’ve been telling myself some of the things for years with no results. I don’t know if this time it’s going to be any different but I want it to be. That should make all the difference in the world.
So let’s get going, shall we?
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.Matthew 7:7
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Go!
It's easy for someone to say something "is a gift from God". But what if it's not just something, but everything?
Get this: I got dressed to go out last weekend, and realized the outfit I had chosen (Chucks, jeans, sweater, coat, a knit hat, scarf and coordinating mittens) was something I would have dressed a Barbie in when I was kid. When did that happen? When did I become the grown-up realization of my childhood imagination?
It was like a slap in the face. No, not negative... It was a shift in perspective. When did my dreams come true? It snuck up on me and was so gradual, I didn't even notice. I just didn't realize until now because the path I took was not one I planned. It was like getting lost in the forest, wandering around, and having enough dumb-luck to find yourself exactly where it was you had set out to go to.
But, I can't take credit for it because in all honesty, it wasn't dumb-luck. All of it is a gift from God.
There was a time in my life (sophomore year of college and my first apartment) when I would have done anything to own a couch. It just didn't feel like home without one. But, it wasn't financially feasible at the time. Now, not only do I own one, but a loveseat and modest HDTV too: all in my very own apartment.
I wanted to get a degree in engineering so I could make good money working for a morally ethical company. Well, I didn't graduate and I'm not even close to being an engineer, but the company I work for is continually pushing the boundaries of it's industry and defining "ethical". My job supports me well enough to live on my own, go to school part time, and be active in church.
I look on every moment of my life: driving the overpasses and seeing the city around me, cooking myself dinner, gathering with a few dozen Catholics for good food and good music; and see how blessed I truly am.
I wouldn't be at peace if there wasn't something I could do to show my gratitude and thankfully I've been provided to do the opportunities to do so. I serve as a communion minister at church and for the sick, as a 9th grade catechist, as a coordinator for the young adult ministry, and hopefully as a blog contributor for Austin Catholic New Media. I'm trying to make it a habit to attend mass and pray the rosary and liturgy of the hours daily. I especially feel so lucky to be able to recognize the graces that I get from all of these opportunities.
So much grace that even when I am faced with obstacles (currently it's car trouble, getting ADA accommodation at work, and paying for school), I know that if I just hang in there and pray, the solutions will be presented to me.
Thank God!
Get this: I got dressed to go out last weekend, and realized the outfit I had chosen (Chucks, jeans, sweater, coat, a knit hat, scarf and coordinating mittens) was something I would have dressed a Barbie in when I was kid. When did that happen? When did I become the grown-up realization of my childhood imagination?
It was like a slap in the face. No, not negative... It was a shift in perspective. When did my dreams come true? It snuck up on me and was so gradual, I didn't even notice. I just didn't realize until now because the path I took was not one I planned. It was like getting lost in the forest, wandering around, and having enough dumb-luck to find yourself exactly where it was you had set out to go to.
But, I can't take credit for it because in all honesty, it wasn't dumb-luck. All of it is a gift from God.
There was a time in my life (sophomore year of college and my first apartment) when I would have done anything to own a couch. It just didn't feel like home without one. But, it wasn't financially feasible at the time. Now, not only do I own one, but a loveseat and modest HDTV too: all in my very own apartment.
I wanted to get a degree in engineering so I could make good money working for a morally ethical company. Well, I didn't graduate and I'm not even close to being an engineer, but the company I work for is continually pushing the boundaries of it's industry and defining "ethical". My job supports me well enough to live on my own, go to school part time, and be active in church.
I look on every moment of my life: driving the overpasses and seeing the city around me, cooking myself dinner, gathering with a few dozen Catholics for good food and good music; and see how blessed I truly am.
I wouldn't be at peace if there wasn't something I could do to show my gratitude and thankfully I've been provided to do the opportunities to do so. I serve as a communion minister at church and for the sick, as a 9th grade catechist, as a coordinator for the young adult ministry, and hopefully as a blog contributor for Austin Catholic New Media. I'm trying to make it a habit to attend mass and pray the rosary and liturgy of the hours daily. I especially feel so lucky to be able to recognize the graces that I get from all of these opportunities.
So much grace that even when I am faced with obstacles (currently it's car trouble, getting ADA accommodation at work, and paying for school), I know that if I just hang in there and pray, the solutions will be presented to me.
Thank God!
New Year's
Ok, I'll admit it. I have no direction for this blog what so ever. But, maybe I'll figure it out as I go along.
One can't find a theme or a commonality without something with which to compare? So, here goes...
On your mark...
Get set...
One can't find a theme or a commonality without something with which to compare? So, here goes...
On your mark...
Get set...
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